Toffee Nose, Bluenose, Fuck Knows 5: Spring cleaning with a nuclear device

5th July 2020

Marcus was sat in his office after training, reaching for a newly-opened can of Irn Bru. He’d never heard of anything like this in Germany or China, yet there seemed to be an inexhaustible supply here. Davina may have odd food choices, but she was bang on with this, he thought.

Suddenly, the door opened. It was Marcel Brands, his Director of Football. “Marcus”, he said ebulliently, “Marcus, do you know what this is?” looking at the bottle in his hand. It’s a bottle of champagne, thought Marcus, and said so. “Yes.. And no!” said Marcel, sitting down in the chair opposite him. “It *IS* a bottle of champagne, but it’s mainly a thank you from the directors and Farhad!. You have sold nearly £200m of talent this summer. along with freeing up nearly half a mill in wages per week! The board are delighted!”

Marcus was non-plussed. Thank China, he thought. Through his contacts, he had managed to offload the contracts of Bernard (£45.5m to Shanghai), Yerry Mina (£25m to Beijing) and Gylfi Sigurdsson (£25m to Dalian Yifang). Lucas Digne & Andre Gomes had gone to Italy with S.S.C Napoli & FC Internazionale respectively for a combined income of £65million. He’d also cleared out some youth and sent Moise Kean on loan to West Ham United, fully compensated and with £250k p/m for their trouble. He asked Marcel for a break down of their spending so far this transfer window.

“Well, we had the three early incoming players, in Macauley Bonne, Jake Weaver and Ramon Suarez. Ramon has gone on loam to DSC Arminia Bielefeld until he can get a work permit, by the way. We then spent £2.5m on 17 year old attacking player Chris Mochrie from Dundee United. Scouts were raving about him being the next big thing in Scotland..” Marcus heard a cough, then realised the intercom was on. He thanked Davina and killed the power. Listening in, eh? He motioned Marcel to continue.

“Next, we signed Arsenal’s midfielder Joe Willock on loan. No loan fee for him, but we’re paying his full wages of £40k p/w” Marcus nodded. It was a no brainer at this level if you weren’t paying a fee. “Then, finally, the big buys. There was £17.5m outlaid on Norway’s Sander Berge, he’s arrived from KRC Genk and I tell you, he’ll be a star in this midfield for years to come. Then, the whopper, the one that nearly cracked the Everton transfer record, the £40m it took to prise Erling Haaland from Rassenballsport Salzburg. So far, we have spent £62millon on players, which still gives us over £100million profit. So you can see why the directors are happy!”

Marcus nodded, smiled, and stood up to show Marcel out. There was much to be done and, as they had to start the season early, he was going to focus his energies on that. After shutting the door, he sank into his new ergonomic chair. No squashiness. No smell. Brilliant, he thought, as he downed the last of the Irn Bru..

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