Toffee Nose, Bluenose, Fuck Knows 13: And just like that, the world is turned on it’s head

SKY SPORTS BREAKING NEWS: Everton manager Wedau in talks to manage Schalke 04

Finch Farm, 1500hrs

Marcus groaned. How did the media get hold of his application? It was only between him and Davina. Surely, she couldn’t have tipped Jim White off? He spun in his chair. That smell was back. It was almost as if someone was stuffing his chair with rotten haggis. He opened Twitter. First thing he saw.

Ah, Christ, thought Marcus, it’s even hit German twitter. He wasn’t even sure if he was taking the job! None of his staff wanted to move and it was only the lure of his homeland that was even making him consider it. This was all going too fast too quickly. He shook his head. His mobile rang. It was Farhad Moshiri. No way was he taking that one right now. Marcus got up. It was time to make a quick exit. He slipped out a fire exit and, with a squeal of tyres, exited the complex as quick as possible.

Two days later

Marcus was lurking around his penthouse, steadily getting cabin fever. He’d ducked two different visits by Moshiri’s men and relied on Johnny bringing him food through the service lift. Suddenly his phone rang. He didn’t know this number. Or the country code. He pressed ‘Accept’ and greeted the caller. “Buongiorno Marco! This is Paolo Maldini, the Technical Director here at A.C Milan.” Marcus stuttered back a hello.. Milan?… He knew Pioli had been sacked, but wasn’t expecting this. “We have been very impressed with your work, taking Everton to Europe two seasons in a row. We could do with someone like that. Are you willing to meet us?” Marcus, still reeling, said yes, but mentioned the avoidance of the owner. “That’s fine. We’ll have a limo there in 20 minutes. You’ll get a flight out of Manchester to Milan. I’ll see you tomorrow!” and with that, he hung up. Marcus just stared, bemused. Milan?

6 hours later

Marcus stared out the window. The dying Italian sunset was sending blood red streaks into his retinas as the plane began it’s descent into Milan Malpensa Airport. Milan was a big job. But he had resources here and the standard of the youth teams should be higher. The plane touched down and as he exited the plane, he saw a black Ferrari waiting for him. Getting into the sleek sports car, he felt like a fighter pilot as the sports car glided through the night, only to marvel as they pulled into Milanello Sports Center. The vehicle pulled up and the door was opened by Paolo, who guided Marcus in with a smile and escorted him to a lavish office overlooking the training pitches.

“So, Marco, I trust you enjoyed the flight?” Marcus nodded. “Can I get you a drink? Cappucino? Sparkling water?” Marcus paused, embarassed. Then asked if they had any Irn Bru. “No, sorry, I have never heard of that drink. Never mind, let’s get down to business. We would like you to manage this great club. We have a proud history that has turned into a very shabby present. We need a glorious future.” He passed a copy of their 5 year plan over to Marcus, who studied it.

“We have no room for any failures here. This is too big a club to be wallowing where it is. Are you the man to take us there?” Marcus nodded. He couldn’t say no. “Excellente! I will fax you the contract and we will announce it on July 1!” Marcus stood, shook Paolo’s hand and walked out. It was just one more awkward conversation to have..

1 July 2021

“Well, we will be sad to see you go” said Moshiri. “You did a wonderful job for us, but we can’t stand in your way” Or in the way of nearly £9m in compensation, thought Marcus. “By the way, we have hired your replacement?” Already? thought Marcus and said so. “Yes, they made themselves available the moment you checked out. Say hello!” He opened the door and Davina walked through. Davina?? Was she the one who undermined him at the end. Davina then reached up and pulled the wig off. Marcus gasped. IT WAS DAVID MOYES!!

Marcus exited the meeting and drove back to his apartment. He’ll pay for movers, the lease is good until August, he thought. Checking Twitter as he opened his door, seeing this welcome sight on his phone’s screen

He turned on the TV, constantly tuned to Sky Sports News and saw

This was it. Italy or bust

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