Dressed in a black tuxedo made of wool and the finest silk with a red rose in the jacket’s lapel buttonhole David Moyes sat with the pipe in one hand.
The other hand calculatingly kept close to his chin. Always to scratch his chin if need be. Such a well prepared man, Davey Moyes.
As in some perverted fantasy, while Moyes sat there with his mouth exaggeratedly pouted, James Corden came crawling out from the darkness behind the chair in his horrific cats costume from the Blockbuster, mega hit, movie of the century, Cats.
With an IMDb score of 2.8 out of 10.
With reviews such as, “”There is a thin line between idiocy and genius, and Cats pukes a hairball on it and rubs its ass all over it”.
“This is why North Korea hates us.”
“This is what the people in Birdbox saw.”
“Me likes popcorn, boss no likes me.”
“Not enuf eucalyptus oil.”
“the Zlatan enjoyed this”
“If I had teeth, I would have lost them all.”
And many, many more.
(“You will witness things no eyes should see and things nobody should be able to do, and you will be in awe.” – This one, I feel, will be oddly fitting for this adventure.)
Amazingly enough, Vinnie Jones did in fact not play a character in this movie.
Anyways, back to James Corden…
He looked at the group of misfits (as if he, of all people, in the entirety of human history, could judge anyone), licked his arm, farted, jumped onto Moyes’ lap, burbed and fell asleep.
Moyes, lackluster as always and slightly squashed from the weight, looked down at James Corden while clearly suffering great agony.
“Ayh, no no, why-I didn’t aesk for this”.
In the darkness behind Moyes the Cats movie started playing on a big screen.
“Ayh, no would ye lewk at that.. now. where did ae leave me controller for the tv…”
Moyes sighed, as he failed to find it.
Time passed. Vinnie and Svato stared at the mess they were witnessing.
Svato brought out a bottle of homemade vodka. Eventually the movie ended.
“I’d rather lick me own ar*e than star in this movie meself. Unless they paid me a lot of money, of course.” (Vinnie went online to write his own review.)
Svato, inspired by Vinnie’s actions did the same.
“It was a cold winter day, I was drinking vodka. As always, ha-ha, classic Svato. Bubnov was not there. Great day. Then I saw James Corden in the abomination, Cats – yes, Svato know the big words like abomination. Horrible times. Would rather see Bubnov and Moyes naked.
For the rest of my life.”
Eventually, either from reading Svato’s remarks online or from sadistic enjoyment of the situation – likely both – a stiff smile slowly grew from the harrows of Moyes’ face.
Still petting the sleeping and snoring Corden.
“Now, wheare was ae.. raight. I have chosen ye, Svatopluk, to find the location of Vinnie Jones’ Locker.”
Vinnie chuckled in disbelief.
“It’s been retrieved from the depths of AFC Wimbledon’s abandoned lockers.”
Vinnie’s smile faded as his face turned grey.
“Youw didn’t! You bloody bast-“
“Shush shush, Vinnie.. it’ll sewn all be over. Now leave me and James. Ae have some eucalyptus lotion left from my last trip to Africa. Be a gewd lad Svato and close the door, would ye?”
Svato and Vinnie left the cabin again. They would never be the same again.
No one ever would, really.
This is weird.